#the heterodyne family

[leletha-jann]

The Heterodynes weren't here to watch the world burn. The Heterodynes were here to set it on fire and laugh.

The Mongfish family was here to make s'mores. They'd light the fire if they had to, but...generally they did not have to.

The Mongfish family was quieter than the Heterodynes, and the family hadn't been around as long. True, next to literally a thousand years of the Heterodynes careening around Europa starting fires, practically no one has been. But yeah, they were problems, even in the general landscape of normalized evil mad science.

Agatha is an AMAZING confluence of disaster and the fact that she's as nonevil as she is...is a minor miracle. Thanks, Barry, I hate it.

@whimsilica replied to your post “ZOLA IS HER FUCKING...”:

the mongfishes were a long line of evil scientists and wizards, so yes ::D

​okay but the whole fucking setting is "evil mad scientists" so like YOU (general you) GOTTA BE MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT

are we talking "trying to do good and gets carried away sometimes" side of the scale or are we talking "fucking shit up as much as possible intentionally because they think other people's suffering is funny" side of the scale?

what i was asking is if the mongfishes are on that "some people just want to watch the world burn" side (and im guessing the answer is yes just from their naming scheme)

fucking hell the whole setting has an overton window and its shifted so far into "evil science" that you can't escape it isn't it?

[sagaduwyrm]

Something that interests me about Girl Genius is the way that the Heterodynes are consistently portrayed as the worst of the worst despite being pretty reasonable by Spark standards.

This is not to say that they are reasonable by normal people standards, or that they were anything approaching decent people. This is pointing out that compared to other sparks, who figured out they could conquer places and immediately started the Long War, the Heterodynes have had little to no large scale negative effect on the world.

Evidence: Zumzum

While in Zumzum Agatha finds out that the Heterodyne raids rolled through the town "every four years or so, sure as the moonrise" (Agatha H. and the Clockwork Princess). Despite this the town is, though small, prosperous. They have a fully staffed guard and enough spare income that the circus was initially planning to remain for three days.

Compare this to the numerous dead towns noted to be littering the wastelands. Sparks regularly render towns unlivable or dead. The Heterodynes, however traumatize them and steal their stuff, but still leave the towns they raid capable of functioning. From this we can assume that, despite what we are told, the Heterodynes are not only capable of self-restraint, they're good at it.

Evidence 2: Heterodyne Creations

The Heterodynes left an enduring legacy in the form of constructs, clanks, and the castle. Many of these are hundreds of years old and yet have little trouble functioning. This means that the Heterodynes not only build to last, but their descendants are willing to put in the time for upkeep rather than get distracted and focus on the next big thing.

The Heterodynes are the only sparks with so many creations still running around. Other sparks, like Van Rijn, do have some creations that have lasted the ages, but nothing compared to the sheer quantity of the Heterodynes.

Also, consider the jägerkin. The jägers are some of the most important Heterodyne constructs, and have acted as the core of their army and their honor guard for more than half a millennia. Despite this, they don't have levels of speed or strength much beyond average, at least as far as spark constructs go. Instead, they're noted for their remarkable survivability. This again suggests that Heterodynes prioritize longevity to a remarkable level for sparks.

Evidence the Last: Europa still Exists

I repeat myself, after two centuries of off and on spark warfare, significant amounts of Europa is unlivable. The Heterodynes had ten centuries and Europa was fine. Do the math.

However, despite this show of consistent reason, the Heterodynes are constantly described in story as evil incarnate. I'd like to posit that this suggests both that in-story lore should be taken as unreliable, but also that the most dangerous sparks aren't the flashy, fire and brimstone assholes. It's the consistent, intelligent ones who know when to back off and when to press that are the real danger, and it's for this reason that the continent fears Heterodynes. Not because they're uniquely capable of destruction, but because they know when not to destroy.

The Heterodynes are the oldest dynasty in Europa. To everyone with the slightest understanding of how sparks work, this is terrifying.

Also, here's a post that tries to answer why the Heterodynes are uniquely like this. You should read it. It partially inspired this.

[its-to-the-death]

Glasses Swag Sequel Preliminary Round #2

Only one will make it into the bracket!

[phoenixyfriend]

If you're still taking titles here's three that feel like they could be a series or standalones

A Haunted House is a Happy Home.

The House is Haunted by the People in it.

Haunted Houses are the Homes We Build for Ourselves.

send me a made-up fic title and i’ll tell you what i would write to go with it

A Haunted House is a Happy Home: Girl Genius fic, modern au. Agatha is a 'haunted hotel' owner/hostess, using her ancestral home (Castle Heterodyne) as the setting for murder mystery dinner theater, goth weddings, and week long Immersion Vacations. Perspective is from a visitor going through one of those events.

The House is Haunted by the People in it: Swapping over to Star Wars, also modern au. Exploration of some very broken and generally awful relationships between a family, in this case the disaster lineage. The ones that are actually dead (Qui-Gon, Komari, Xanatos, etc.) aren't ghosts or anything, but their absence is a character in its own right, given how it shapes the relationships between Yoda, Dooku, and the younger generations.

Haunted Houses are the Homes We Build for Ourselves: Miraculous Ladybug, Adrinette as The Addams Family. Is there a plot? Unclear. But they are creepy and they are kooky, mysterious and spooky, and wait I've got it the plot is Alya trying to get The Scoop on the weird rich goths on the hill.

[leletha-jann]

In my head I keep landing on a vague total of about four - enough to make trouble! ...for everyone else - but my proto-fanfic scenario hasn't gotten that definite yet.

I do get the sense that the Heterodynes have never been a very prolific family, pretty much just enough to keep the family line going and their protection of Mechanicsburg and its monsters assured. The Triumvirate definitely wants to avoid anything like the whole sprawling disaster that is the Valois dynasty. But yeah, they'd talk about it!

The Castle doesn't get a vote, and Agatha is not shy about "creative remodeling" (big hammer!) whenever it gets too opinionated or too pushy.

I imagine the Castle has many treasures it's hiding for itself, entrusted to it over the generations, but I like to think the secret reserve of timestopped chimera kid embryos is its favorite. Because that's a promise that there will always be a Heterodyne. And that's all it wants.

I had a silly thought.

One day in the future, once everything has settled and been dealt with (or as settled and dealt with as it ever could be in Europa), Agatha will likely have children to continue the Heterodyne line.

But in order to ensure a sense of balance and equality between her paramours, she uses SCIENCE! to influence the child's genetics, so that it's a mix of hers, Gil's and Tarvek's, possibly in a distinct form of Chimerism or just some weird mix.

And then my thoughts got derailed on what the 'appropriate' mix of genetics would be - should it be equal? Should Agatha's take precedence and be a full 50% and the remainder split between Tarvek and Gil?

Also did any other Heterodynes ever do weird shit like that to their kids? It doesn't seem like it.

[inbarfink]

It’s really fascinating to compare the way Agatha handles the Heterodyne Legacy compared to her father and uncle. Because these are the two known generations of ‘Heroic’ Heterodynes after a long, long legacy of the Heterodyne family being known primarily as Evil Bastards - but they have such a totally opposite relationship with that villainous legacy.

Bill and Barry grew up deep inside that Evil Heterodyne Legacy and know all about how truly rotten it really is. Their father was an Old Heterodyne to the bone and an Extremely Reprehensible Human Being. Like, not just Cartoon Evil Overlord stuff - according to the Novels, he forced Bill and Barry’s mom to marry him by threatening her family. And he tried to kill them because they weren’t evil enough to his tastes. 

And when their mom killed him to protect her sons, the Castle killed her in retaliation. The very manifestation of the Heterodyne Legacy has cost them their beloved mother who just saved their life. And all of this in addition to the fact a non-evil Heterodyne was really an unthinkable concept when the Boys started - meaning they had to work extra hard to distance themselves from their family if they wanted anyone outside of Mechanicsburg to trust them.

And Heterodyne Boys worked very very hard to prove to the world that they’re not monsters. Both to fight off against the constant suspicions that they were monsters, and because they most likely wanted as little to do with their father’s legacy as Spark-ly possible. For them the Heterodyne Legacy was mostly kind of a Curse, the thing that tormented their mother and killed her and almost killed them, the thing that makes people wary of them.

And as such, they distanced themselves from anything that’s even remotely to do with that old legacy of monsters, from anything evil or scary or messy or ugly. Much to the chagrin of the Castle, the House of Heterodyne’s many other monsters, the Jager Horde Mechanicsburg’s proud Evil Minion population and many others who felt abandoned by them for the sake of PR.

Then there’s Agatha Heterodyne. And it’s not just that Agatha grew up in a post-Heterodyne-Boys world where the general populace associates the family name less with evil barbarous mad kings and more with good-natured heroism. Where even those who remember the Old Heterodynes are at least willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Where even those who would like her to be like the Old Heterodynes are at least willing to give her some wiggle room to express herself....

It is all of that, but more importantly Agatha didn’t grow up as a Heterodyne at all.

She grew up as Agatha Clay, with the Spark-Suppressing Locket that dulled her mind and made her a miserable klutzy mess who couldn’t do anything right. She grew up hating the constant feeling of being powerless.

And discovering that she’s a Heterodyne came up… pretty close to realizing she’s a Spark, and both of these revelations gave her a certain kind of Power that she never got to have before. She is now both a powerful Spark and a powerful political player in this grand Europa political chess board. 

And as much as she has the same heroic values and upbringing as the Boys did (courtesy of Barry and the Construct Duo), not growing up so up-close-and-personal with the worst consequences of the Old Heterodyne’s evil means she’s not as immediately repulsed by it like the Boys were. 

She encountered all of these old monstrous pieces of the Heterodyne Legacy - the Jagers, the Castle, Mechanicsburg, even just the fear her name can put into people’s hearts - not as the Evil Legacy Forced Upon Her. But stuff that was taken away from her, and she had to earn back. And in a world stacked so heavily against her, so determined to rob her of her agency and newfound sense of power, these things represent the assertion and security of her power.

For the Heterodyne Boys, the worst thing they could ever imagine being was monsters - like their father and the rest of their family was. For Agatha Heterodyne, the worst thing she could imagine is being powerless again. She would take being seen as a monster a thousand times over being condescended and ignored ever again. 

Being seen as a monster isn’t actually all that bad at all, she discovered. 

All of these things together make Agatha not quite the second generation of Actually Heroic Heterodyne or just another link in the Old Heterodyne Legacy - but another new kind of Heterodyne altogether. One that can both retain a moral code and embrace the family’s monstreness at the same time. 

[annoyinglandmagazine]

To be perfectly honest I think a lot of Klaus’ motivation in wanting to get Gil married at the beginning of the comics is less to do with politics and more to do with suppressed terror at who exactly Gil would find of his own volition.

Does Klaus actually care about something like a marital alliance with the nobility all that much? No, his main attitude most of the time is ‘fuck those guys’. Is he trying to do damage control on the ticking time bomb of Gil’s up until now suspiciously harmless dating life? Possibly.

Because he remembers his mother joking in her letters asking him when he’s going to bring someone home from college and him using the standing invitation to turn up at the gates with two Heterodynes and a shit-eating grin.

He remembers spending half of college and all of his twenties in weirdly charged sword fights over gaping chasms, making out with about half the more deranged sparks they came across, blatantly flirting with the Lord Heterodyne whenever he got a bit tipsy etc.

The first time he met his wife it ended with her sword on his throat. He’d fallen in love with her fairly quickly after that.

The less said about Lucrezia the better.

Usually when he got worried that Gil might turn out too like him he found reassurance in the fact that he could reasonably take after his mother. Except Zantabraxus married him so clearly her genetics are no help in this regard.

The moment he learns who exactly Gil has been mooning over the past week he realises that he was both entirely justified and too late so this is going to be his life now (somewhere beyond the veil the late Baron and Baronin are cackling).

Then he finds out that Gil is also dating a fucking politician and he gives up. Clearly he’s been cursed with Klaus’ taste in women but his taste in men is somehow worse.

He gets over it eventually (and by eventually I mean it takes several quite literally explosive attempts before you could bet that a family dinner wouldn’t cause both a diplomatic and military disaster).

[leletha-jann]

Headcanon on reasonable evidence, actually: Every Heterodyne gets their own specific pack of Jägermonster guards.

Yes, the Jägermonsters are all sworn to the family in general, but Heterodynes do unreasonable and dangerous things on absolutely no notice, and it's helpful to have a specific set of personal guards who know them as individuals well enough to respond immediately. (Of course, Jägers think this sounds like fun.)

Agatha having Dimo, Maxim, and Oggie on more or less permanent assignment to her isn't unusual; it's normal. They know this, and have encouraged her to fall into a pattern they were expecting, actually, and she didn't take any steering at all. On some instinctive level she was expecting it too. Even if Dimo keeps his promotion to General, he'll be a General on the move, from wherever Agatha happens to be. They'll be with her for the rest of her life.

Consorts get their own squads, too. At some point in the future, Gil and Tarvek both acquire a handful of their own personal Jägers, sottle-like. (They notice it happen anyway.)

Jorgi is absolutely one of Tarvek's squad, because there's no way he wasn't designed to be Tarvek's personal guard Jäger, and it will be hilarious.

I'd also love to see Agatha assign Jenka to him, because Tarvek's recently on record as missing his personal spy network, and he and Jenka would have that up and running in no time flat. They'd have fun. (Jenka doesn't hold "being Andronicus Valois' descendent" against him, because Tarvek's loyalties are firmly with Agatha, and they share a "to hell with that family in particular" attitude.) Also, it would be a neat little parallel with Tarvek giving Violetta to Agatha. Agatha could give him a sneaky lady who can kick his ass (and will if when needed) right back. For maximum humor, Füst should take to Tarvek exactly the same way the wasp eaters did.

(this, but with JAGER BEAR)

I don't know if Gil ends up with Vole as one of his pack, because I don't know where the Foglios are going with him. But I nominate this guy from book one:

And this guy from book 14:

to follow Gil around and be reassuring to him periodically.

Higgs has sort of ended up as immediate supervision of the entire triumvirate. Whichever of them is in reach, or all three of them at once. Insert Higgs looking really deadpan tired here. This face. Forever.

Jägers get EXTREMELY excited when they learn a new baby Heterodyne is on the way, and start campaigning to be on the baby's personal guard squad immediately. Of course, being Jägers, there's a lot of biting involved. I imagine months of Jägers challenging each other, not just to fights, because they did all that already, but to increasingly ridiculous and pointless challenges that they're both making up on the spot and obsessively keeping track of. The only real rule is that if you challenge someone to something, you have to do it too (otherwise how will you know who won?) They challenge each other one on one, or everyone in sight. This leads to things like most of the Jägerhorde running a screaming, pushing, biting, brawling egg-and-spoon race down the longest street in Mechanicsburg. The townsfolk line up to watch and cheer. (They're considered a course hazard, so they get to throw things.) Whoever's currently winning (don't ask me how that points math works) when the baby is born gets assigned to the baby.

Bill and Barry both had their own Jäger squads and never knew it, because their guards weren't allowed anywhere near them. Theodora was pretty much out there with a shotgun if she heard even the hint of a Jägermonster accent. Those Jägers still resent it. They feel robbed of their (most recent) chance to be trusted favorites. They might get special-pleading rights in the next tournament-to-guard-the-new-baby, assuming their brothers aren't completely fed up with their whining about it by now.

Klaus Barry had his own guards, but Bill didn't know because the Jägers were barely even allowed in the Castle by that point, so they just didn't tell him. Master of Mechanicsburg or not, the Jägers didn't trust him not to send them away even further (and rightly so).

Nobody volunteered to guard Lucrezia. Bill didn't understand the insult in that, and the townspeople didn't tell him. But every single one of them NOTICED. Ho yez.

There are only so many Jägermonsters, so by this point everyone who's still alive has been in a personal guard squad at least once. Collectively, the Jägermonsters know all the gossip, going back centuries. They'll never tell. If pressed, they suddenly lose the ability to remember last week, much less 1528. They can't be bribed, not even with alcohol, although they encourage people to try.

Canon: Jenka was in Euphrosnia's personal guard.

Seen elsewhere on Tumblr but I forgot to reblog it: Vole was one of Saturnus' pack, which is why he tried to kill Bill and Barry. Saturnus had tried, after all, and Vole was most loyal to Saturnus in particular. (If this was your theory, let me know! Credit to you.)

TL;DR: Jägers running an egg-and-spoon race through Mechanicsburg. There. Now you have the highlight of this post.

Also: ä is alt-132 (using the keypad). NOW YOU KNOW. (hopefully I also now know, because this is like the fifth time I've tried to memorize that)

[12freddofrogs]

Post-canon oneshot; gen; a family discussion which does not end with any assassinations, which is potentially a new record

Tarvek dropped the pile of papers on top of Martellus’ desk, picking up the ink pot in the same gesture to avoid it spilling.

Martellus’s quill (because of course the man still used an actual feather quill; he was too theatrical to be practical and Tarvek couldn’t even mock him for it because Martellus absolutely knew about Tarvek’s own collection) paused in midair where he had been in the middle of working. “Good morning, cousin.”

“Good morning.”

“And what’s this?” Martellus took his ink pot back to rest his quill in it.

“You tell me.”

Martellus picked up the first page, flipped through the second, and then rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so suspicious.”

“I don’t know whether I’m more offended you thought a fake wall with such an obvious trigger was enough to keep it hidden, or that your newest plan to assassinate me involved framing Cousin Elias.”

“That shelf isn’t where I keep any actual secrets; it’s just meant to be a convenient place to keep things in reach.”

“Right, the real secret desk is attached to the third storeroom on the second level, with the switch at the eighth brick to the left.” Tarvek waved his hand dismissively, and was pleased to note the flicker of annoyance in Martellus’ face. Good. “That’s not my point. Elias is an idiot.”

“Which is why he makes an excellent scapegoat.”

“Hardly a believable one.”

“It’s not like I would want to sacrifice Uncle Kurt to the Heterodyne’s vengeance.” Martellus rolled his eyes and started rearranging his papers back into order. “I’m not currently planning to have you assassinated.”

Tarvek raised an eyebrow and gestured at the papers.

The thing was, Tarvek had willingly walked into the Refuge of Storms. He and Martellus needed to make some normal, ordinary negotiations about the current treaties, and Tarvek had agreed to go visit.  Martellus hadn’t actually tried anything in the year since they broke the time stop over Mechanicsburg, and although there had been the usual stream of assassins Tarvek was reasonably sure none had been from this specific cousin. They were almost getting along.

Well, the wine at dinner last night had been drugged, but to be fair Tarvek had also mixed his own poison into Martellus’s slice of an actually delightful cake. It would have been almost ruder not to have at least one poisoning. Neither had been a serious attempt.

Martellus sighed. “I’m concerned that you might have an actual accident one day.”

“Were you thinking an experiment gone wrong or perhaps a slip and fall down the stairs?”

“Either. Any. I’m not being euphemistic; I mean accident.”

Tarvek frowned. “What?”

“They happen sometimes.” Martellus spread his hands in exasperation. “Have you ever actually looked into Aunt Cathrin’s death?”

“Why bother? That was clearly Natalia’s —” Tarvek trailed off as he realised what Martellus was implying. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am.”

“You think her carriage genuinely just—”

“It has been known to happen.”

“But Natalia—”

“Genuinely mourned her.”

“You can mourn someone and still have them killed!” Tarvek protested. “She had the most to gain!”

“Firstly, the fact that someone else gained more doesn’t mean that the person with the second-most to gain couldn’t have done it,” Martellus said, infuriatingly condescending. “Or third, or just a petty grudge.”

“That I’ll concede, but—”

“And secondly, sometimes the carriage wheels are genuinely made badly, and a driver just happens to hit a pot hole at an unfortunate angle.”

It was indeed possible, but Tarvek was having trouble – although, Natalia had seemed genuinely distraught, and he remembered thinking at the time that he’d never considered her a good actress. Maybe he should send her a box of chocolates or something.

“But thank you for demonstrating my point so clearly.” Martellus tapped at the paper. “In our family honest accidents, as rare as they are, are not actually believed.”

“So you decided to frame my hypothetical, accidental death on Elias in order to—” Tarvek left the question open.

“I’m concerned that if you were to fall down the steps tomorrow, the Lady Heterodyne would methodically go through the family, one by one, removing organs and testing creative death rays, until she found someone she believed the culprit. And, unfortunately, I would be the top of the list.”

“Don’t be silly, cousin. It’s Wulfenbach who keeps torturers on his payroll, and unlike Agatha, his rooms remain in perfect working order,” Tarvek said, as if Agatha’s dungeons were not kept well prepared at all times. It wasn’t like she wanted it.

Martellus shook his head. “I’m sure between the two of them they would very successfully wipe out the entire Valois line.”

“Unlikely. Agatha likes Violetta.”

Martellus wrinkled his nose, probably irritated at the image of Violetta as the last surviving heir of the Storm King. Violetta would probably stab him for that, as if she also wouldn’t be horrified at the idea. Tarvek had once offered to help her figure out where she was in the line of inheritance, and she punched him enough times he’d burnt the calculations he’d already finished. Somewhere in the seven hundreds, although he hadn’t added the new children born since then.

The whole concept was amusing, but unrealistic. Despite everything Martellus had been around for, he’d never actually gotten to know Agatha – or maybe he understood she believed in justice, but Martellus himself didn’t fully understand what justice meant. If Tarvek died tomorrow, Agatha and Gil probably would go on a rampage to find who did it, but they wouldn’t kill anyone without proof.

He could explain that to Martellus, but Martellus having a vested interest in Tarvek staying alive was so much more useful.

“Don’t frame Elias. Aunt Henriette is a far more realistic choice.”

“Aunt Henriette has the subtlety of a rampaging construct with rayguns for arms; how is that more realistic?”

“Or, currently, the Countess of Mount Peuckert.”

“You can’t use this as an excuse to have your enemies dealt with post-mortem.”

“Why not? By definition my current enemies are the most likely to have me assassinated.” Tarvek smiled, mostly because he knew it would annoy Martellus, and turned to leave. “And I already sent a message to Agatha that you were planning to assassinate me and frame Cousin Elias, so I doubt he’s that believable anymore.”

“What?” Martellus stood up abruptly, barely catching his ink pot before it fell.

Tarvek plucked the quill from the desk for absolutely no reason other than Martellus couldn’t stop him. “I’ll go send her an update, shall I?”

“Yes. Now. Do that.”

Tarvek raised an eyebrow.

Martellus scowled. “Please.”

“Since you asked nicely.”

Martellus waited for Tarvek to leave the room before slamming his head against the back wall.

Tarvek, paused outside the door as was his usual habit, had to bite back the urge to laugh.

He really did need to write that letter. The Refuge of Storms was close to Mechanicsburg, and it would take no time at all for a horde of Jägermonsters to arrive. Tempting as it was to let them get close enough for Martellus to see, that seemed more likely to terrify the castle staff.  Not to mention it would waste Agatha’s time.

Although it was nice to consider that next time Martellus started testing the boundaries or generally being obnoxious, Tarvek merely needed to fake his own death. He’d tell Agatha and Gil first, of course, they’d never forgive him if he didn’t, but they would love the chance to act the avenger. Martellus would realise it soon enough, but the lie didn’t need to last to give Martellus nightmares. If Tarvek planned it well enough, he could probably get one of his spies in the same room when Martellus heard the rumour to get a picture. Maybe come up with some excuse for it to be Violetta, she deserved it. Though she might prefer to stay with Agatha so she could help with the potential threatening. Tarvek could workshop it later.

[laryna6]

Girl Genius AU where after Bill and Barry's mom Teodora poisons her husband for saying he's going to kill her sons for being too heroic, instead of the castle killing her the jagers manage to get her out of town quickly and long enough for the castle to calm down.

Yeah, she did kill a Heterodyne, but it was to save two other Heterodynes and Saturnus was clearly in the madness place for saying he wanted to kill members of the family. Also meh, this isn't the first time an unwilling bride/harem member poisoned a Heterodyne and Saturnus not seeing it coming and taking precautions is more evidence he wasn't thinking clearly and had to be stopped before he actually did kill the boys. Also there's no guarantee that if he started over with another wife that her children would make it safely through breakthrough. Two heirs in the hand is worth one in the bush!

The boys are relieved, startled and grateful that the jagers saved their mom, and they're of course we did, she is a member of the family if by marriage. They're still a little reluctant to take jagers with them on their heroics because jagers scare people, but there's a sneaky jager, so Axel Higgs makes it into the Heterodyne plays as the perpetually unflappable minion.

Barry brings Agatha to Teodora (who has a proven track record of keeping Heterodynes from growing up evil and survived the attack on the castle by not living in it since even though it's not trying to kill her anymore they're not friends), and talks to the jagers about how they've been working for Klaus and listens to them when they say Klaus is very anti the wasps enough to actually talk to Klaus. In addition to dealing with rogue sparks, the jagers get put to work clearing out the dangerous, uninhabitable areas of their hazards and are overjoyed by that as well as having Barry back and a new Heterodyne.

Since Barry is there to see how much the locket is messing up Agatha he creates an improved version that doesn't handicap her. The castle is deeply ashamed by the failure to protect Klaus Barry and loses the argument when Barry wants to send Agatha to school on Castle Wulfenbach, with Teodora moving there alongside her and of course a large jager bodyguard because Lucrezia's co-conspirators want Agatha. Teodora is put to work on a formula that will poison slaver wasps inside their hosts.

Agatha grows up to lead jager and clank armies to wipe out rogue spark creations and save towns.

[bigasswritingmagnet]

Helpful, in a Heterodyne Sort of Way (ch3/3)

Summary: Klaus arrives in Mechanicsburg to retrieve his son, who he believes has been kidnapped by the Heterodyne. (And Gil has. Just not by the Heterodyne Klaus thinks.) Saturnus (doting grandfather and old school Heterodyne to the core) is determined not to let Klaus ruin his granddaughter's date.

AO3 Link

In deference to the fact that Mechanicsburg was an independent city state and not part of the Empire, Klaus kept Castle Wulfenbach at the traditional two leagues.

Because his son had been kidnapped by the Heterodyne, he landed one of the smaller dirigibles directly outside the front gate and walked right in.

Klaus moved through the streets of Mechanicsburg like the one-man army he was. Tourists and citizens and even Jӓgers scattered before him, but Klaus didn’t notice. He was drowning in his own thoughts, struggling to keep his expression under control, to display anger but not…

He had not felt fear like this since the day Gil was born, when the midwife stood before him and Zantabraxus, two small bundles in her arms, and asked them which one to keep.

He had not felt so angry at another person since the day he came home to a shattered castle and learned that the world had been torn to pieces in his absence.

He had not felt so angry at himself since the day he woke up in Skifander, sprawled out before a long-dead queen’s gate.

To be made a fool again. 

The youngest ever Lady of Mechanicsburg had looked up at him and told him, with such sincerity, that she wanted peace. She didn’t want to be an adventurer, but she didn’t want to run around terrorizing people either. And she’d seemed so sincere, and Klaus had thought that Teodora could do as good a job with a girl as with two boys, and Saturnus had looked so resigned—annoyed, but not resentful—that Klaus had believed her.

He'd believed her.

Klaus reached the foot of the great hill and began to climb towards the looming bulk of Castle Heterodyne.

When Teodora died, the world had tensed. A teenaged Heterodyne on the throne, with no voice of sanity to balance out the counsel of Saturnus Heterodyne? Surely, that would be it. Now the peace would end, now would come the fire and the terror and the war.

It had not come. Lady Heterodyne had shut the city down for a week of mourning and declared all seven St Teodora’s Days (none of the Popes had bothered to coordinate with each other) official holidays of Mechanicsburg. And that was it. And everyone had thought—well, that’s that then!—and relaxed.

Oh, Klaus kept an eye on her, watching for warning signs. But he had been braced—the world had been braced—for a Heterodyne. For armies of monsters, for death and destruction. For a return to the days of old.

Not even he had been braced for a Mongfish.

And she took his son. His son! It was too precise to be a coincidence. Even if Gil wasn’t the only young man spirited away to Mechanicsburg, for Gil to be chosen despite all the dangers it held, despite the retribution she had to know Klaus would bring down on her…

It was all too easy to imagine Lady Heterodyne smiling Lucrezia’s smile and saying ‘you know what would be funny?’

Saturnus was waiting for Klaus at the top of the hill with a giant, shameless grin, lounging back in his chair as if he had simply stepped out to enjoy the sunshine.

“Klaus!” he cried, cheerfully. “Welcome, welcome! So kind of you to drop by.”

Klaus strode forward until he stood directly in front of Saturnus, drowning the man in his shadow.

“Where is my son.”

“You’re looking well! Fantastic coat, by the way. You should really give Agatha some tips. She can do stunning, but bombastic intimidation is a mite out of her reach—”

“Saturnus.”

“Hmm?”

“Where. Is. My. Son.”

All manner of Sparks and noble families had quailed beneath that glare, had immediately rolled over and surrendered just to get Klaus to stop looking at them like that.

But Saturnus was a Heterodyne, and the ability to be intimidated had been bred out of them long ago—if they’d ever had it to begin with. His grin simply widened.

“Having dinner with Agatha.”

Klaus’ eyebrows shot up, and Saturnus tutted, shaking his head.

“No need for that look, Klaus, get your mind out of the gutter. All propriety has been observed. This is a civilized introductory dinner between two youths of genteel breeding.”

For a brief moment, Klaus forgot his anger and fear in the face of sheer amazement that Saturnus could refer to the Heterodyne family as genteel with a straight face.

“He’s fine,” Saturnus said, still with infuriating good humor. “He seemed quite taken with Agatha, to be honest—”

Bile rose in Klaus’ throat. No. Gil was intelligent, he was sensible—sometimes, about some things, surely about this—he would never fall for a woman after she had imprisoned him against his will.

But the words history repeats itself pounded in his skull like the Doom Bell, and Klaus found himself striding past Saturnus without another word.

Saturnus didn’t try to stop him, and neither did the castle, which should have been his first warning. He threw open the doors, strode into the main hall of the castle—did not stride into the main hall.

He was in a small, comfortable sitting room, with a crackling fire and a few soft armchairs, walls lined with shelves crammed full of books that were probably all banned in multiple countries. Overhead he heard a distinctly mechanical sniggering.

Behind him came the distinctive tapping sound of Saturnus’ chair, and the ominous groan and boom of the main doors closing—faintly, as if in the distance.

Klaus whirled around, and Saturnus smiled at him from in front of a perfectly ordinary sized door, not nearly large enough to be the main doors. Klaus shoved the man aside and wrenched the door open. It let him out onto a long hallway, one side of which had large windows overlooking an inner courtyard.

“Gilgamesh!” Klaus roared, but of course he got no answer.

It was a nightmare. The nightmare, throwing open door after door, down hallways and stairwells that never seemed to end, streets that went nowhere or doubled back on themselves; hearing Gilgamesh wailing in the distance but unable to tell which direction it was coming from; his wife calling after him she is the heir, this is how it must be; green-haired guards without faces grabbing him with hands like stone; and Klaus half-fell through another door and was once again in the small sitting room where Saturnus was waiting for him.

Smiling.

“Come on, do you really think you’d be able to track him down in this castle all by yourse—”

Klaus lunged. Before even the castle could move, he was across the room with his hand closing around Saturnus’ throat, hauling him up out of his chair, his dead legs dangling uselessly.

“You will release my son,” Klaus ground out through his bared teeth, rage and fear feeding each other into greater and greater heights. “You will release him to me now, or I will finish what the Other started and burn your family and this town until there is nothing left but ashes.”

Dust trickled down onto Klaus’ shoulders. He raised his eyes and saw the stone block hovering overhead. Waiting. Klaus lowered his gaze and met Saturnus’ eyes, which were no longer looking quite so amused.

“I will take you with me,” Klaus said, his grip tightening.

“Right,” Saturnus said, voice slightly strangled because Klaus was strangling him slightly. “How about you put me down, and the castle doesn’t crush you, and we start this conversation over like civilized gentlemen.”

“You have never been civilized in your life.”

“Neither have you. But we are both good at pretending, when we need to.”

Klaus’ heartbeat began to return to normal, and the fog of mindless terror to diminish enough that he could think clearly. Sort of clearly, anyway. At least enough so he could realize that killing Saturnus, while immensely satisfying in the moment, would not help Gil.

Gently, Klaus lowered Saturnus back down onto his chair, which shuffled itself into position so Saturnus did not need to readjust himself.

Saturnus backed the chair away a little, rubbing his throat, and gave Klaus a wry smile.

“To answer your question, as I said, Gilgamesh is having dinner with Agatha. He is safe and sound, physically and—as far as I can tell—psychologically. And for the record, he’s here of his own free will. Now, anyway.”

“Do not lie to me!” Klaus snarled, temper flaring again, ignoring the threatening grind of stone-on-stone overhead. “He was seen with a woman matching the description of Lady Jenka of Mechanicsburg. Lady Jenka, who was then abruptly and urgently recalled to Mechanicsburg, leaving with a large wooden crate—”  

“No,” Saturnus said, sarcastically, clearly unable to stop himself. “A woman traveling with large pieces of luggage, is there no end to Mechanicsburg’s depravities.”

“It had airholes in it!”

“Yes, yes, yes, I’m not saying I didn’t kidnap him, I own up to that—and for the record I did it gently, not so much as a bonk on the head. Jenka used a very mild soporific; he just took a nap and woke up here. I’m saying that Agatha was all set to let him go, and he said he’d like to stay for dinner.”

Klaus snorted derisively. 

“Do you seriously expect me to believe Lady Heterodyne went through all the trouble of having him kidnapped and brought here, only to let him go? Short of some plan to lure him in with reverse psychology, I refuse to believe—”

“I kidnapped him,” Saturnus interrupted, disgruntled. “Who said anything about Agatha–” Saturnus stopped, eyes going wide, pieces falling together. “Red fire, no wonder you’re in a state.”

“I am ‘in a state’ because you kidnapped my son.”

This time, Saturnus’ smile was bitter and humorless.

“But would you be in as much of a state if you didn’t so intimately know Lucrezia Mongfish for what she was?”

Klaus did not answer. His first instinct was to say yes, but…well. The thought of Gilgamesh hanging over a vat of acid while a Heterodyne cackled maniacally by the knife switch did invoke less terror than the thought of him alone in a room with Lucrezia.

“She’s not her mother, Klaus. She may look like her, but it’s no deeper than that. She’s a Heterodyne through and through. Not my brand of Heterodyne, more’s the pity, but she is still a Heterodyne. We don’t do subtle.”

“You don’t consider a quiet kidnapping to be subtle?”

“And how long did it take those shadow men of yours to figure out who took him and where? Probably before Jenka even left the dock.”

“Hardly,” Klaus said. “They wouldn’t have let her leave, if they had.”

But the man was making a fair point. Lucrezia didn’t kidnap her men—she simply wove a web and let them walk in of their own free will. She’d even let them think it was their idea.  

“I swear to you, Agatha was about ready to bite my head off when I told her.” He rubbed his chin. “Might not have been quite as mad at me if I hadn’t waited to tell her til after he was tied to the chair and dinner was ready to serve. She really was going to let him leave, and he very much insisted on staying.” 

“That would be an extremely foolish thing for him to do.”

Saturnus snorted, amused.

“Right, because love never made any man act a fool.”  

“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s never even met her before.”

“No,” Saturnus agreed. “But I’ll tell you now—the way he looked at Agatha when he first saw her? That’s how I looked at Teodora, and love made me enough of a fool that I didn’t realize she’d ruined my sons until it was too late. Huh! And now, between her and Agatha, I’m practically domesticated. Didn’t even consider invading Paris to get at him!”

“I would say it far more likely because you knew the Lady Heterodyne wouldn’t like it.”

“Yes. I would not burn down the world for her, Klaus.”

He said it with such determination, such seriousness, that at first Klaus couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a joke.

Then he remembered who he was talking to.

“That’s…very touching,” Klaus said, and mostly meant it. Then, abruptly realizing he’d been sidetracked, drew himself up. Very firmly, he said “Willing or not, I will take my son home.”

“No,” Saturnus said, just as firmly. “Or rather, not yet. He’s the first one she’s really liked that I’m sure can keep up with her. I’ll admit, I’ve gotten a little desperate—you wouldn’t believe the kind of young men who have come swanning in, looking for her favor.”

Klaus noted that Saturnus had not said "and out".

A sudden change came over Saturnus. He sat up straighter in his chair. He met Klaus’ gaze with eyes that burned with a fire that rivaled the depths of hell. When he spoke, his voice was solid steel, and for a moment Klaus could see Lord Saturnus as had been of old, the terror of Europa.

“But I truly believe he could make her happy, and if ensuring her happiness means bringing the wrath of the most dangerous man in Europa down on my head, so be it.”

Klaus considered this. On the one hand, he only had Saturnus’ word for any of this. On the other, it was hard to imagine Saturnus would be hiding the fact that his graddaughter was returning to family form, instead of gloating from the rooftops.

And, Klaus was forced to admit, it would be out of character. If she was responsible, it would be the first act of old-school Heterodyning from Lady Agatha—

Klaus remembered Duke Leffert’s attempted invasion the previous spring, and the mountain on the far side of the Heterodyne Valley that now had a big hole in the middle, and corrected himself. This would be the first unprovoked act committed by Lady Agatha in the nearly ten years she had ruled Mechanicsburg.  

“Very well,” Klaus said, stiffly. “But I am not leaving without him.”

“You can have him back as soon as they finish dessert,” Saturnus promised, grinning again. “Now come on, let me pour you a drink. You could use one.”  

‘Per my lady’s standing instructions, I am reminding you of the doctor’s orders,’ the castle said.

“Duly ignored,” Saturnus said cheerfully, moving his chair towards a laden drinks cart.

"You know, Wulfenbach, I didn't think much of you in the old days. But I'm glad to see you've gotten all that heroing out of your system and settled down to build a good old fashioned evil empire. And you’re doing a marvelous job! "

Klaus was very glad Saturnus' back was turned to him. 

“Yes, it does my heart good to see someone keeping the old ways.” 

Klaus managed to get his expression under control just in time as Saturnus turned around. Saturnus held out a crystal cut glass half filled with a dark purple liquid. Klaus did not hesitate to take the glass from Saturnus, or to drink from it, which pleased the old man greatly.

"Ha! Not an ounce of fear in you, eh?"

"I've made myself immune to most poisons,” said Klaus, looking down at the drink in puzzlement. “Especially the rare ones. " He sipped the drink again, and mentally weighed how much he wanted to know what the flavor was against how much he did not want to know what was made of.

"See! You know what you're doing! I'm not at all surprised by your choice of son.”

Klaus looked up, dragging his attention from the drink, which was reflecting the light in a very strange way.

“My choice?” he repeated.

"Heh. Perhaps I've said too much. No good giving you a reason to assassinate me, eh?"

Klaus did not particularly like the sound of that.

“Let’s just say, I’d be careful of those Sturmvarous people. That boy knows some things about Gil you might not want to get out.”

Klaus made a mental note to burn Sturmhalten to the ground as soon as he and Gil left.

Saturnus chuckled.

“Look at that face! Would you believe Agatha thinks you’re still good? I think it’s just because you used to run with her father and her uncle. People change, I tell her! If she’d seen you just now, oh, I’d like to see her try and call you good after that little display.” He wagged a playful finger at Klaus. “Don’t think I missed that subtle little dig about my grandson, either! A man after my own heart.” 

Never before had such warm approval caused Klaus so much shame.

“It was over the line,” Klaus admitted.

“Oh it was!” Saturnus said, with evident enjoyment. “And I’ll bet you’re teaching Gilgamesh all you know, eh? Nature and nurture! He’ll make a fine overlord.”

Klaus kept his face neutral, even when Saturnus winked at him. Only when Saturnus took a drink did Klaus allow himself to grimace.

‘Lord Saturnus, the lady is–’

Klaus was suddenly aware of pounding footsteps and shouting. The door burst open, Klaus tensed, and the Lady Heterodyne came tumbling in. Right on her heels was–

“Gilgamesh!”

The wave of relief could have brought Klaus to his knees. Gil was unharmed, though his clothes were slightly rumpled. His eyes were shining and slightly manic, but no more than was usual for Gil under the influence of the Spark. 

“Father!” he said, startled, but not displeased. “What are you doing he–?”

“Grandfather!” Lady Heterodyne interrupted. She grabbed the arm of Saturnus’ chair. “The blue orb things in the grey hallway, are they lamps or lightning generators?”

“Lamps-”

Agatha whirled around and jabbed a finger at Gil. 

“Ha!” 

“--that generate lightning.”

“Ah-HA!” Gil exclaimed. 

“Still primarily a lamp!” She swung back around to Saturnus. “I need them. Castle! I want the electrical laboratory prepped! I need you to reroute the extra power to the salamanders, and if you can’t, find a place to dump it that won’t kill all the fish–” 

“Father!” Gil said. “Did you bring the castle? Can you bring me my lightning generator–”

“—lamp!—and tell Van to have the river blocked off for the next few days just in case—”  

“Oh! And can you bring my weather enhancer, my weather dehancer, and my electromagnetic–” 

“There's no time!” Agatha cried. “The storm will be here in half an hour!” 

“You know what, nevermind, I'll just build new ones. Let's go!”

Gil and Agatha took off, leaving the door hanging open.

Klaus stared at the open door, listening to their excited shouting fade as they ran down the hall. He shut his eyes, knowing, knowing without even needing to look, that Saturnus was smirking triumphantly. In the distance, Gil laughed.

He sounded…very happy.

“So! Solstice at your place this year?” Saturnus asked, somehow managing to gloat a question. 

Klaus downed the rest of his drink in one swallow. 

-

“You know,” Gil said, in the dirigible on the way to Castle Wulfenbach, “it’s the funniest thing—Saturnus thinks I’m adopted.”

Klaus’ brow furrowed.

“He told you this?”

“It’s why he kidnapped me in the first place. Apparently, he overheard Tarvek Sturmvoraus saying my real father is Petrus Teuful. I don’t even know where Tarvek got that idea in the first place.”

Klaus, keeping his face perfectly neutral, mentally crossed destroy Sturmhalten off his To Do list.

“I can’t imagine,” he said.

[big-ass-magnet]

The Jägerfrat, Part 1 - Rescue

Modern day AU Agatha goes to Mechanicsburg University and discovers another part of her family legacy: Theta Phi Theta fraternity, known to all and sundry as the Jägers.

listen sometimes you just gotta write the nonsense

AO3 Link | Part 2

-

“Dude. We are so boned.”

“No shit.”

Oggie, Dimo, and Maxim sat side by side on the curb, staring morosely out at a road utterly devoid of cars, people, or cell service. Beside them, the pickup truck entrusted to them sat stone cold dead. The little bear charm hanging off the rearview mirror seemed to be watching them.

Judging them.

“Hey!” Dimo said, suddenly, brightening. “Hey, maybe we’ll get towed!”

Maxim’s eyes lit up, hopefully.

“We can tell her they broke it!”

“Bro, get real,” Oggie said. “Then we’d be even more boned.”

And then a miracle occurred. They heard the sound of an approaching engine, and when the car came around the corner, it immediately slowed and pulled over. The hazard lights went on, and the door opened, and a very pretty young woman emerged from the car, her face creased in concern.

“Are you guys alright?”

“Car’s dead,” Dimo called.

A change came over her. Her eyes grew sharp and intent, and she strode confidently over to their car, pulling her long blonde hair into a ponytail in a businesslike manner.

“Let’s take a look,” she said. Without even asking, she reached in through the open driver’s side window as she passed and fumbled around til she popped the hood. She pushed the hood up and stared in, eyes narrowed, hands on hips.

They waited, patiently. They had no idea what was going on or who this girl was, but it was the closest thing to hope they’d had in the last four hours.

“Got it,” she said, reached in, and did something to the engine that took two seconds and one hand. Slamming the lid shut, she said “Now try.”

The boys looked at each other, and shrugged. Dimo rose and climbed in, said a little mental prayer, and turned the keys. Instantly the car roared to life. The boys whooped in victory, Oggie hugging their savior so hard her feet came up off the ground.

“Bro, you are unreal!” he shouted gleefully as he put her back down. “How did you do that?”

“My dad’s a mechanic,” she said, looking slightly overwhelmed by their enthusiasm. “And I’m getting my engineering degree at Mechanicsburg University.”

“Bro, sick!” Maxim cried. “You’re MU, too!”

“This is so dope!” Oggie said, grinning. “Dude, you gotta come hang with us. What dorm are you in?”

“I, er, I actually don’t know yet,” she said. “I just started.”

“Dude!” Maxim exclaimed. “We’ll show you around, we know all the best ragers.”

“Hey dipshit,” Dimo called, “maybe tell her your fuckin’ name first so we’re not three creepers luring a freshman to frat parties?”

Maxim scowled at him.

“Dude, I’m getting to it, gimme a break. I’m Maxim, that’s Oggie, and our boy Dimo at the wheel.”

The girl was leaning backwards, but only a few degrees, and seemed more surprised than unsettled by their attention.

“I’m Agatha Cl—” She cut herself off, and hesitated for a moment. “Um. Heterodyne. Agatha Heterodyne.”

Three pairs of eyes bugged out.

“YOOOOOO!!!”

[darkmodepls]

Selfish Heterodynes

And why that's a good thing for their people

One thing that is commonly known about Sparks is that they have extremely self centered worldviews and motivations.

Sparks find it very hard to care about other people, and when they do, they often treat them more as an object or a pet than as a sapient being.

It's the main reason why non-sparks are so afraid of them. If you are just another object, what's stopping the Spark from using you for spare parts.

So. What is it about Heterodyne selfishness that makes their people so fanatically loyal

to start with, Heterodynes are selfish about their people because they are people.

Any time Agatha is introduced to a new group of people, she goes out of her way to learn their likes, dislikes, and histories. While there is a Doyalist explanation for this (the audience needs the exposition) I believe the Watsonian explanation is that this is part of being a Heterodyne.

Heterodynes that grew up in Mechanicsburg probably knew the names and life histories of more than half the town. They would drink with their men and participate in festivals. *Even if part of the festivities included being chased by an angry mob.*

Because they care about the person, they care about their personality and goals. To damage a mind is almost sacrilegious to a Heterodyne.

One of the defining traits of Heterodynes is that they are vehemently against brainwashing and mind control. While part of it is the fact that such methods undermine any genuine loyalty, It could also stem from the way such things interfere with who the victim is as a person.

Think about how Agatha's horror over Dr. Vapnoople differed from that of other Sparks. They were mainly concerned with how it kept Dimitri from expressing his Spark, while Agatha was upset by what it did to his personality.

Heterodynes make space for their people to achieve their goals.

As small as Mechanicsburg is, it's divided up into a variety of districts where all sorts of industries take place. From medicine, to constructs, to engineering, and trade, if a citizen wants to work in a certain field, the town can accommodate them.

Additionally, the people have no fear showing their work to the Masters. The moment Agatha started Heterodyning, she had a crowd of people clamoring to offer her their skills and talents. There wasn't a any hesitation to brag about this skill or that talent or offer these services to their Master.

Why would there be? it was probably a very common sight to see a crowd of townsfolk proudly share their latest creations with the Masters, and the Heterodynes probably took great delight in their people's ingenuity.

Because the People, their Personality, and their Skill belong to the Heterodyne, any Outsider trying to harm a citizen is trying to Steal from the Heterodyne.

to the Heterodynes it's never just a servant or just a gaurd, or just a farmer. They know that the servant was named Molly and had 2 nieces and preferred cake to pudding. They know that Grant had been a Jaeger for 200 years and had been best friends with their grandfather's sister's husband. They knew the Farmer Mac was a minor spark who had been secretly crossbreeding orange petunias as a gift for their wife.

Every loss is personal, so that makes it vital that they protect their people with everything they have.

The core of my idea can be summarized with this Discworld quote:

"All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!I have a duty!"

Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men (Discworld, #30; Tiffany Aching, #1)

All that a Mechanicsburger is belongs to their Heterodyne, and the Heterodynes will protect them from all threats the way a dragon guards its horde.

[variablejabberwocky]

@rairii replied to your post “i...oh dear gil is the "nice" parent that let the...”:

For the record heterodyne is an actual phenomenon only not made by humans with their humming (except when in girl genius) but like. In radio frequencies. I don’t understand it when I read the Wikipedia page but it’s a real thing. So the authors names the Dyne after the Heterodyne phenomenon first! But in character the family probably took the name of the Dyne or named the Dyne after the family!

​...i've been so brain fried i didn't even think to look the term up

so thanks for reminding me thats a thing and giving me a little summary because i don't think i'll be up to it any time soon

[enchantress-emily]

I recently discovered the Girl Genius fic Well Met at Mechanicsburg (co-written by @iztarshi), and I love it so much! It's set when Agatha & Co. are little kids, and it's a glorious fix-it fic where most of the nastier events of canon either come out way better or are averted completely, thanks to Barry, Klaus, and the kids actually talking to and trusting each other.

One of my favorite things about this fic is how Barry often acts as a supportive, approachable father figure for the boys as well as Agatha. Therefore, my brain wouldn't leave me alone until I drew some moments of Barry Heterodyne Being Good With Kids:

- no particular scene, just Agatha’s usual way of greeting her uncle

- Barry getting Gil’s side of the Records Vault incident

- Tarvek asking “What do you do if your family is evil?” (yes, I know there’s supposed to be a beegle on his lap, but I didn’t feel like figuring out how to draw it)

[regallibellbright]

Girl Genius Week Day 2: Kidnapping

@girlgeniusevents

“Really, I’m surprised THIS is the best you can do,” Tarvek said.

His kidnappers exchanged glances. “You’re the one tied up here,” one of them managed.

Tarvek made a dismissive noise. “For however long this lasts, yes. But I’ve been kidnapped enough times to know an expert from amateurs, and believe me, this is amateur work. Who sent you?" Obviously not Tweedle - they hadn't even bothered to tie his hands where they could see them - or any of his equally-ruthless cousins, or they wouldn't be underestimating him this badly. No, this was clearly impersonal.

The kidnappers still looked confused. "We're not supposed to answer that," the one on the left said. Proving that they were hired, naturally.

"I'm sure. Ransom, or extortion?" They exchanged glances again. "Are you holding me for ransom, or do you intend to extort me into... whatever your employers' goal is?" However incompetent that would assuredly be.

"Ransom," the one on the right said. "We were told your lady grandmother would pay handsomely for your return." Meaning they'd assuredly never met her. Tarvek would be shocked if they'd ever met a member of the Fifty Families, or if their employers had.

There was a loud thudding outside the room, and several shrieks of dismay. That would be his ride home. He smiled as the kidnappers looked dramatically more concerned.

“I would have said - you'd have better luck with the Lady Heterodyne, or Wulfenbach. Either one could be on their way as we speak." He sat back, and smiled, pulling his wrists free.

"Er..." The one on the left stared for a good, long moment. "We'll just... let you loose now, then. Shouldn't we?"

"Yes," Tarvek said, "yes, I think you should."